By: Tehniat Fatima Ahmed
He’s the moon. I don’t want to worship him but I can’t help it. All the smiles that are the reason behind my bloom, all the tears that molded me, they’re all because of him. He is the reason for all why’s. It’s like he found me. I didn’t know how and I didn’t know when. But, we got enveloped in such a rhythmic dance that I barely even remember how it all began. Sometimes, I can’t believe that he’s there, that he exists. It’s like he’s too good to be true. He’s my angel and he’s the one I smile for. And I still can’t process the fact that he wants me, truly and genuinely. And I’m scared shitless. I have no idea where this is going.
This is going too fast, everything around me is a blur. And I don’t want any more tears and no more broken hearts. I’m tired of bleeding. Right now, my eyes are closed and I’m so afraid that when I open my eyes, he’ll be gone. He’ll vanish. I’m growing attached without wanting to, I am helpless when it comes to this. I’m trying to figure this out, to distinguish the pieces of this puzzle. But, I can’t and I don’t know where to go, what to think.
I grow sick thinking about the fact that if he breaks me, who will mend me? Who will save me from the heart-wrenching sensation of depression? I don’t want to feel like I can’t breathe again. I don’t want to hurt anymore. And believe me or not, he makes me believe. He makes me want to have faith in him. To close my eyes and let him lead me. I’m addicted to him and I just want to stop thinking and follow him.
He brings color to my life and I don’t want my canvas to go blank again. He says he loves me, but do I love him? Yes, yes I do. With all that I know about the word love, I love him. But, I’m still young and this is the first time I have to sit on such a fast, god damn rollercoaster, and in some instances, I can’t help but let confusion and sorrow mixed with fear conquer me.
16-3-20.
Blood.
Let him go.
Let the quiet wrap around me.
Let him ruin me.
The voices whisper.
Hoping to blow into unfixable pieces.
Every breath reminds me of all that came.
All that eroded me.
All that made me hollow.
I bleed.
Then and now.
Nothing filters the hurt.
Everyone inflicts pain.
And so, I bleed.
With no anchor, no weapon
Hurting to continue
Living to be alone.
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