Sea.

By: Tehniat Fatima Ahmed

Life had let him down, he had done everything he could. Tried with all that he had, even though the ones who cared for him, the ones who meant everything to him, had left him barren. Now, he sat in a dark tunnel in god knows where surrounded with darkness like the blankness within. He didn’t know anything anymore, he was so utterly done with all that awaited him and all that had already happened. It was like despair was eroding his insides, chewing all his will to carry forward and continue. He had shrunk into himself, overflowing in this disturbing swirl of emotions that was brewing inside of him. He didn’t want to drown, he wanted to grow old and find the love of his life, living all the happiness that life had to offer.

Sitting against the wall of the tunnel, the utter sadness enveloped him like a dessert makes one hopeless. The endless sand would gradually lose its color and by the time the monotonousness sunk in it seemed like a black abyss. The rough wind would slap one’s face with such force that one would become instantly aware of the tormenting hurricane breathing in the interior. He felt like a traveler, a wandering soul with no purpose, and no pushing force. Lost and without any backbone, the unsettling feeling growing vivid with every moment that passed. Hope was indeed the last ray yet it was so small, almost invisible that one could easily overlook it. The despair and sorrow were so highlighted that it would outshine all, and it would glisten in such a disturbing manner that everything, even the most beautiful thing, in contrast, would seem to wilt.

He was tired and he didn’t want to give up, but every single part of his body was begging him to stop, or else he would ruin all he had strived for and things would collapse so dramatically that all control and patience would be lost. Not that things were any better in the present. Right now, he didn’t have an anchor, he kept slipping and this was his worst fall until now. Where breathing is forgiven and your lungs burn as you claw on air. Where everything looks so dark and you get so accustomed to it that facing the light hurts. And as there was so much of hurt highlighting everything that one does not differentiate between reality and illusions when the time comes, one just lets the hurt embrace them in a burning and irritating way.

 He had gone through so much, had dragged through the worst of situations, that he had forgotten that hardships were meant to be conquered. He would just let them be, letting them haunt him every step he took. He knew that it was all up to him, that all that he would strive for would occur but at this moment he was done. Done with all that could benefit him and take him somewhere. His train of thought was so intense, so vivid that tears streamed down his cheeks and he wanted to yell. He had been so calm previously, negating every agonizing situation that life would place in front of him, but now he felt the explosion inching near to him. Yet, the fact that all that would escape his mouth would be a dry, silent scream halted him.

Sobbing heavily, his mouth as dry as sandpaper, he craved water as he lived on his dry spit. He craved an element that would extinguish this gaping hole in his chest and relieve him of all the pain he was crawling through. And that made him feel even worse, every perspective of his, every angle that he could view was full of pain. The red was everywhere. Nevertheless, the tiny dot of sky blue in the blinding red could be witnessed, could be seen. This was the demonstration of what he always coaxed himself with, the four magic words. Hope waltzing with pain. He wanted to prioritize the hope, wanted to create some emphasis on it because without it he wouldn’t have been alive. He would’ve given up the moment his parents died leaving him alone and shivering on the curb of the street, clothes clad in blood.

The mere competition, the blood-sucking sensation of one’s failure meaning the other’s success, if one gets lost the other finds himself. Such thirsty, monstrous battles that one would feel rotten inside whether they would win a place for themselves or lose the spot you deserve. One loses and the other wins, a pace where equality can never reach one and satisfies none. Humans, the most selfish creatures wanting more and more. Never having enough. But one can be deceived to such an extent that at times foolish hope defeats every single element that stumbles across one taking you to extreme boundaries of your imagination. Still, agony is by your side, but this time it’s bearable, the dull ache only covers the boundaries and having no excess to the core, it is mild. 

Witnessing mirages and carrying on, he bleeds with hope as tears blinded his vision, and nevertheless, hope is contagious. The sprinkling and trickling of the toxic or the only feeling, the one emotion that gave you strength would eventually turn the dessert into a green meadow. As everyone strives to live and bloom beautifully and wholely. Sacrifices are what every living being lives one, humans depend on each other in the sense of sacrifice and cutting. Every single relationship in this world whether it’s of buyer and customer or mother and daughter, they depend on each other such that the other has to cut themselves for the latter.

Like chemistry and physics, every action has an equal but opposite reaction. His thoughts were so scrambled, so disarranged that no kind of sequence could affect them. He had no sense left, no point of direction. Lost, always lost. Sinking to the floor, he dared himself to stand up straight and fight the challenge like a man, but what everything did was to disappoint. Gasping for air, he begged, begged to himself to find an anchor, to pivot himself around something before this agonizing despair got the better of him and wasted his whole life. He was currently wasting his own life, as every second passed by he was misusing every opportunity that glimpsed at him or showed itself. And to feel like such a useless being was to think about one of the most selfish, heartbreaking way to end one’s life. Suicide, an option begging to opt.

He tried to tell himself that all was okay, that all would be okay. But his mind had other perspectives, other views that it couldn’t unsee. It’s funny, his mind would voice, it’s hilarious how one can lie to himself so blatantly, In every point of a human’s life nothing is ever fine, nothing is alright and perfectly okay. One always has the challenge to face or trouble to carter. So all we ever do is lie. Such disgusting beings getting accustomed to lie to others and lie to themselves. The concrete, dirty floor welcomed him to the new abode. He knew that this place would hold importance near his heart from now on, that it will be visited frequently. Breathing was all that he could think of, the only accomplishment that could be gained.

Trying to regulate all that flowed inside of him, tried to coax himself into normalizing the world around him. And to do that all he had to think of was how life around him continued, how dead ones continued to be reminisced and young ones kept being spoiled. Life kept regulating through the veins of the great tree, it blooms in every nook and cranny and doesn’t stop for anyone. One can lose everything that he lived for or lose a specific universe that owned his heart and yet life never ceases. People, the same bleeding souls still visit the great wonders of the Earth and put their refined and crystallized perspectives forward.  With every hardship, despair embraces one while hope acts as a cloud on their heads and so he weeps;

Crawling, struggling and begging on all fours

Ocean, desert, everything the same thing

Are my three best friends

Those who never abandon me

But, make me abandon myself

Rocking like an empty shell

Every wave crashes into me

With no other intention

But to ruin.

Eight lines, which had always given him a numb, hot sensation of prickling comfort. A few words that never failed him. He had to stop, he knew it yet all the sadness in the world crept up to his shadow to intensify the black. Black everywhere, darkness covering him like a blanket, not a string of positivity seen. The outwardly only reflected his insides, utterly pitch-dark, heart soul, and all. Blinking, again and again, he tried to drive the tears away. He tried to halt. But all his efforts went in vain and three words flashed in his brain; all is lost.

Immediately, a ray of blinding silver light slit through his vision. Surprise and astonishment shot through his veins and he squinted his eyes and shook his head. He was probably seeing things, by the rate of tears he had shed his eyes could easily fool him. But, then the light came again, blinking wit immense speed. This time he had seen it and there was no trickery in that statement. He was sure that he had seen the silver light. As he stared hard, he saw bits of the lively gray race to a common direction. It seemed as if the parts, the pieces were assembling, that a formation was going on.  Peeking, disbelief bubbled inside of him, was he dreaming?

As he watched, he witnessed a silhouette molding in front of him, one of a woman. A breath-taking woman made out of sparkling silver. An angel clad in a long, flowy dress, arriving barefoot.  He peeked at her as the silver blinded him momentarily, and with an odd start realized that she was on her toes lulling to the melody of the wind. Taken aback, he watched as every particle of her existence swayed to the unheard melody. Fluent as water and smooth as wind, she traced the rhythm and gradually inched near him. Frozen, he didn’t know what to do, hell he didn’t even know if this was a hallucination or a dream. He just sat there, half terrified and half startled, an untidy crying mess. And even as the women won his attention, the tears did not stop. They flowed like a water tap unleashing its full wrath. Stupid tears, he thought, showing up whenever unnecessary. Uncertainty conquered him as he inspected the woman in front of him and observed that every feature of hers was highlighted, she had a nose and a mouth.

She was mundane but made of the same color throughout. Focusing on her movements, he was mesmerized by the way her waist-length hair flew as if the wind was caressing them. Hypnotized, he could only watch as she twirled perfectly, full to the brim with grace. Every motion was full of the right amount of momentum, not too much but not too little. She spoke through her dance in such a way that he knew, he knew she was here for him. Her soul was one with the forbidden track as she dazzled him with the agony and lose she so bravely displayed. Even though, he couldn’t see what the true colors of her features were, he knew that she was letting go. She was bleeding for him. He sniffled by the crazy, impossible vision; a woman, a beautiful creature who only belonged herself, was dancing to his pains. Was feeling the sensation of being let down, of giving up, of being blinded by despair and negativity. She didn’t belong from this world, she belonged from the world of pain, where nothing is distinguishable, where all everything does is hurt every contour of one’s body. 

He sniffled loudly as he watched and she moved closer, radiating shimmering unknowness. Her body follows the notes so elegantly, so obediently that he can’t help but gasp. Gasp at her swiftness, at her understanding. She skips towards him, her face was torn in agony. Hope overtaking her, possessing her as she jumps up but when she lands on her feet the sadness seeps from her face, the hurt can be felt. She leaps such that when she lands, she lands in a crouch right in front of him, nose to nose. He finds himself staring at silver pupils, monotone, with no variations what so ever. What surprises him, even more, is that she radiates heat, she is warm. Warm enough for one to melt into a puddle in her embrace. She gives him a little smile, a gesture that looks depressing on her angelic face but blasts warmth and hope in his insides. She brings her hand up and runs it through his chestnut curls before cupping his face. Humming in utter contentment, he leans towards her touch, and as he blinks hardship disappears.