There are a few things we think are the norm when we grow up. That is because we are spoon-fed such information at a very young age and being gullible to many things at that age makes us believe them. However, growing up results in questioning such norms.
I was introduced to the concept of marriage at a young age. Being told constantly that I'll be married one day as well and that no matter what I had to make sure my marriage lasts, I naturally turned into a person who was ready to compromise at any time. The process of society shaping me to become the "perfect submissive wife" was slow but not hidden. I'd hear everyone including my mother say things like, "You should learn to cook and clean so you can do that after marriage", "don't ever talk back to your husband when you get married, okay?", "Women should compromise much more than men in marriages", and my absolute favorite, "Men like shy and meek women." Hearing things like this throughout my childhood, I naturally considered this to be a norm.
My journey towards becoming conscious of this view and what perpetuated it started when I moved cities. Moving to the capital of the country meant that there was a new environment with a more variety of views and different opinions that clashed with my own. The first time I questioned the stereotype I was fed was when my friend in high school proudly announced that she doesn't care what people think of her. When my English teacher seconded her, I entered a dilemma. Why would she say that? Shouldn't we care about how others perceive us as women? At the confused look on my face, my teacher elaborated on how women were not born to please others. Thirteen-years-old-me definitely liked this better than bending myself backward to satisfy everyone but myself.
Following this, I engaged in many debates with my class teachers and fellow students. Constantly questioning myself and the different environment I found myself in resulted in a period of uncertainty for me. I didn't know what to believe. But I did know what I liked better; Equality. Equality when it came to relationships. Equality in responsibilities and equality in compromise. I realized that marriages should not be a blessing for men and a curse for women. It’s something that is between a man and a woman and so the responsibility should also be equally distributed. The weight should not be tipped in one direction but equally balanced. When I presented this view to my parents, they once again made me question my new stance. They asked me why don't relationships last if marriage is based on equality. They name-dropped my relative's marriage in which the woman, who tried to act as an equal to the man, filed for divorce. Then they also told me about how the divorce rate in a society where women compromise is less. "Why were marriages more successful in the past?" was what they asked me. As a young girl who was still developing her opinions, I didn't have an answer to this. A few days later, however, a school friend of mine sent a post to our school group which elaborated that the reason why marriages lasted more in the past was that women were financial hostages to their spouses and thus were unable to get out of abusive and unfair marriages. It's because they don’t have financial security.
Perhaps the biggest factor the post mentioned was the stigma surrounding divorced women. Women who decide to part ways with their spouses are shunned by society. It made me think, “Why is a woman’s respect tied to a man?” This further resulted in many long debates and one comment that a class fellow made that stuck around with me was that a long-lasting marriage does not equate to a happy marriage. This made me want to be a headstrong and confident person. I wanted to be a strong person, someone who would not tolerate unfairness and someone who would make her voice heard. The difference between young me and the woman that I am today makes me proud of myself. This is why I have taken it upon myself to hold this conversation with every girl that is curious and is forcefully being molded into something she does not wish to be. Grooming girls so that they become empowered and confident is something that should be common. Just like it is with boys. However, the harmful stereotypes that society has created due to patriarchy keep a tight hold on the minds of many people. Thus it is equally as important to educate the older generations along with the new generations about the individuality of women. I know from experience that it is hard, especially with parents, but not impossible. I may be called idealistic for wanting everyone to be equal but how else is the world going to become a better place if we refuse to initiate the change that we all wish to see?
(The writer wishes to remain anonymous)
(Image from here.)
Kommentarer