Pluto.

By: Tehniat Fatima

She drove on the highway, the traffic cones blurring past her vision as she hummed along. She was still processing, loading bizarrely. It was like she had accepted all the contents and was now smiling face to face with the unclear flashes. Glancing at the deserted runway, the bright orange captured her attention and reminded her of the contrary. Of being forgotten, of losing all that you have accumulated over the countless happy or sad moments and completely vanishing. And the red that lay next to the orange questioning their fate. Boggled and genuinely disturbed about why it had to be this way, making her unsure and ache throughout her body. Every piece of flesh and bone in her body dancing with her thoughts loses all identity, makes her feel utterly stuck. Witnessing the artist stroke, she realized that even the stroke was serving a purpose and if one was to erase it, to fill blankness instead then the painting would be incomplete making the artist incapable. Bring a sense of unknowingness to the whole picture. 

The sunset transported her to the moments that reminded her that all was temporary. That all they were doing the whole time was play a stupid game of being used and using each other. But, the intensity had stunned her, the extents that it had reached had left her utterly speechless, deep down. She never knew that what they had was so deep, that the depth would affect her identity and make her lose her whole self. She hated being stuck, and she had been there so many times that she never realized that a best friend could break you. But, the moments should have meant something, they should repeat themselves in her subconscious but whenever she reached back all she would view is blankness. An utter, black canvas. A small, upset smile bloomed on her face as she drove on. There was a time when they shined together, but maybe it was her mistake, her vision. They were so happy together, they would always find a way to create joy in every situation. But, things transformed so abruptly she felt wrecked, all she could do was run.

There was no question as to what she did later, she left everything. And she had no idea how to define everything. Because, her everything was her and that her had owned all her attention for nine solid years. She had left every typical thought inside of her, every thought that called her but maybe, just maybe it would be better if she hadn’t chosen this path. Her insides were mature yet she had no idea what had overtaken all logic and she had fallen again. No, she didn’t fall in love with her best friend, she simply revolved around her. Thinking back on it, her naïve self only reflected the light the part of her soul radiated. If one could see from the other side’s perspective she was probably blurred at the edges of her vision because she was on the receiving end, once one had something they would never know how it feels like not to have it. And know, that she had finally left it there was no purpose left to look forward to all that possibly awaited her.

It had reached the limit where the wrecked soul had started worshipping the other, she would watch her like a hawk. She would mirror all her kind deeds and she would envy the way she carried herself. In simple worlds, the star had passed all definitions of love because every breath of hers took her back to some conversation, some instance they breathed together. With the worshipping came the complacency, the urge to do whatever came out of the other’s mouth. She wouldn’t hesitate to do anything for the other soul, she would go out of her way because she thought that the other side had already benefited her a lot. That the other side had taken her places that no one could ever, had touched her in places which were out of limits. As she passes the lined, lush trees, she scoffs. Hell, boys are supposed to break your heart, they were supposed to dispose you off as they had many options to choose from. But, why would a girl do that, why would she tell her own best friend, her childhood darling to leave in the blink of an eye. And the burn she would feel as a consequence, the fire that had consumed her whole body lately, was her all. All that she had left, the rest was nameless and faceless.

Again, this was her view, maybe all the other saw was a blurred picture of meaningless fun that had an expiry date. That was never serious, to begin with, but then came the whispers that would soothe, the tears that were meant to bloom in front of the other. If she hadn’t cared from the beginning, what was all of that, why were feelings involved in every damn step? She had stopped sobbing an hour ago, her chest throbbing as if someone had ripped her heart out, and then had decided that all good things had to go. Twenty minutes later, she was seated in her car heading for nowhere. With no destination and hence no purpose in mind. The moment she inched herself back, she would always get reminded that those nine years would never come back and something like them would never be experienced by her. Because of the mistake, as she had slipped nothing could ever be the same, even if she stayed. They were so unaware that the minutes that ticked by were so full, found both of them so content that nothing else was needed. They were each other’s support system and there was no time that they failed to be around, completely relying. And as her eyes dripped with wetness, she told her mind to shut up but it was too late now, they had come too far, and now that the bomb had exploded the effects would run in her system, never leaving a chance to haunt her.

Perhaps, a word that covered a great possibility was that, the other had found another light, a second person that would reflect and stay with her. That could be a reason, but to replace and get completely rid of the past was not only impossible but it also snapped her sanity. It had been made clear that she was who she was because of the soul that had left her stranded on an island, with a disturbed and static soul. The other made her, molded her, highlighted her whole life, and then decided to leave with tears as a farewell. With all of that swarming and clouding all rationality, she thought of how she would give everything- even though what was left was almost nothing- to know how she had failed the other soul. Of what had caused a disappointment of such a large scale that had left both of them with the only option. Or was she crazy? Was all of this an illusion a psycho had envisioned with no proof and undeniable hurt? How could it be that all of was a dream, she did dream, but a dream of such an enormous scale, a bream that left her broken and uncertain? Her uncertain future could only point and laugh at her face, mocking her for every try that she made, every effort that trickled into a waste bin.

It couldn’t be a dream, illusions didn’t last that long, didn’t leave you silently screaming for it to stop, for the agony to halt for a millisecond. A wish colored her insides, a wish that she wished the other would feel. A moment of understanding that would reach the other, the ear-splitting crack of vacancy that would deafen her momentarily. She would wait for that moment, anticipate it as maybe that was a grain of the whole sack that remained. Her definition had left her numb on the pavement of the road, frozen cold from the inside and the outside. Thawed with the poison that the other choose to inject in her mercilessly. Yet, she wanted the opposite side to know that her core lay there, useless, not beating anymore. Permanent Saudade pooled in her, even now when she had lost the opposite party, when they have lost each other, the heartless had erased her and in turn, she had erased herself.  To think that forgetting and moving on was a habit, an endless cycle, a distant game that opposing soul rode was unbelievably hilarious and gut-wrenching at the same time. Mayhaps, love was meant to blindfold even if it was mutual or not.

However, for her it all meant silently aching, pangs of discomfort, destroying all ever creating and starting all over again. She stood nowhere now, as she visited the hours where she had gotten used to the light that fell on her, and even though she still existed the bigger, significant one had lost all importance. Following the sequence of events, all beats every melody that even had a trace of life sounded unappealing and attacking to her. A foggy, hazy layer of every negative emotion blanketed her heart, it’s identical to how the past would look if she hadn’t met the one she decided was worth her all, except at those moments there was someone, that would set fire to everything, who filled the aching gap. And at times it gets grippingly scary, pivoting endlessly, losing all sense of time and presence. The final day, the last sharp burst of harm shattered her mirror, the way she perceived herself, her inner self, her already wounded soul. And the resonated echo made her forget, maybe even pull her towards forgiveness, for a blink of an eye and oblivion, simultaneously.

Even the scent, the softness that only the one could bottle, the elements that formed her, fluttered her eyes close to reaching out to it and in an instance the wrong was familiar, like a flashback; right in front of her eyes. All those times, when hurt would threaten to touch her she would think of the intoxicating smile that always managed to brighten up her day, a sole color that always heated her. When asked about how she was going, how she wished to proceed, all that they would hear as a reply was that she was fine, and so she buried herself in her impaired form.

Bitter sensations, even beyond the mist, no clarification or meaning were present, even the encaptured smiles faded out gradually. The only thing that she was conscious of was that she orbited around another, that she ran the perimeter for almost a decade and continued to do so. And that she was the epitome of darkness, a ball of emptiness that shall continue to be. In the end, all paused and stayed.